FRODO'S JOURNAL - A day in the life of a Hobbit of the Shire. (Pre-Quest Years)

Sam and the Gaffer had just finished their ales and departed from our table at the Ivy Bush, leaving me alone with Ted Sandyman. From the looks of things the Ted was in no hurry to finish his drink. He was much too consumed in expounding his opinion as to why elections for mayor of the Shire should take place every five years, instead of seven. Every now and then, his fist landed on the table for emphasis, setting my tankard of ale to vibrating on the table. I was beginning to wonder if there would be any left in the mug after he finished. So, I sat there, dividing my attention between his lecture and trying to think up a polite excuse to withdraw from his company.

"Ted!" someone shouted across the tavern, effectively cutting The miller’s son off in the middle of a sentence. I turned my head to get a glimpse of my rescuer. I recognised Holman Burrows. Apparently, the dairy farmer had been in the Ivy Bush for some time, because his face was flushed and he teetered a little as he stood to wave Ted over to his table. I concluded that he and Ted would be suitable companions. Sandyman was probably working on his fifth or sixth beer.

Ted also swayed as he pushed himself to his feet. " ‘Sscuuzze me... ‘urp’...Frodo." And he staggered over to Holman’s table.

My ears were starting to recover from the ringing that had been a result of Sandyman’s political harangue. With a sigh, I sat back, raised my mug to my lips, and, in that instant, received a hearty slap on the back, which almost sent the rest of my ale flying out of its container.

"How are you, Frodo?" Bodo Baggins asked as made himself comfortable at my table.

I had been so preoccupied with enjoying my drink that I hadn’t noticed his approach. A few days had passed since our last encounter at Bag End, when he had let himself in to discover his daughter, Bennie, in my arms. He had assured me that he would have a "little talk" with me later. I hadn’t forgotten, but I had hoped that he had.

"I’m quite all right. " I answered a little tentatively. "And, yourself?"

He laughed. "Oh, I’m fine, now that I’ve gotten away from that tirelessly meddling, yet, beautiful creature I call my wife. If ever I needed a drink..." he mused. "Frodo, you don’t know what it’s like, day in and day out, dealing with perplexing females...which brings me to my topic of discussion. You remember, a few days ago, I promised that you and I would have a chat."

I nodded, "Yes, sir." My throat suddenly felt just a tad dry, so I took a swig of my ale.

"I had intended a more private place, but it doesn’t look as if we’re likely to be interrupted" Bodo indicated the now nearly empty room with a wave of his hand. Business was slowing down for a time as most of the patrons were heading home for supper. "I guess I shouldn’t have put this off for so long, but I wanted to think things over." He said, as he took a long draught from his mug of ale.

I wasn’t sure if his taking time to think over the situation boded good or ill. Be that as it may, I didn’t expect his next words to be so straight to the point.

"So...Frodo, what are your intentions with my daughter?"

"Intentions?" I repeated the word dumbly.

"Yes." He reaffirmed, eyeing me. Then he went on in a serious, but quiet voice,. "Do you even know which daughter I’m referring to? Perhaps I should have framed the question to include both of my girls, for I consider Mundee as much my daughter as if she were my own flesh and blood. By the way, I have also learned that Lavender caught you and Diamond in her kitchen, in each others’ arms. It’s not enough that I had to discover you and Verbena, alone in Bag End, embracing!"

To my way of thinking, the "embracing" part was sufficient implication. I hated to think what might have gone through his mind had he come in a few moments earlier, when Bennie had been applying her massage techniques upon me. Also, the fact that Bodo had used both of his girls’ given names, was a prime indicator of just how upset he was. I had never heard him refer to Mundee as Diamond and I could remember only one other occasion where he had called Bennie, Verbena.

"So, Frodo, as a concerned father, I must ask if you intend to court one...or...both of my girls?"

"Sir, both of your daughters are lovely and charming and each is gifted with her own unique qualities..but...but, if I were of a mind to court one of them, I would have great difficulty in choosing."

"I see. So, you prefer to carry on a... dalliance... a fling." He concluded.

"Oh no! Cousin Bodo, Sir, I assure you that I am not dallying with Either Bennie or Mundee!"

"Really?" Bodo looked thoughtful. "This isn’t the first time that I have interrupted a tryst between you and Bennie."

"It wasn’t a tryst, or anything of the sort! At least, not this time." I assured him.

He leaned forward as he spoke the next words and I might have been mistaken, but I thought I caught a gleam of amusement in his eyes. "Then, I don’t suppose you care to explain what it was?"

I didn’t see how I could do that without further incriminating Bennie.

Bodo didn’t seem surprised at my silence. "I know my girls and what they are capable of, especially Bennie, since I am, in large way, responsible for her intractability."

He leaned back in his chair and studied me. Then, quite unexpectedly, he laughed. The sound was hearty and sincere. I flinched, more startled by this reaction than if he had reached out and taken hold of my collar.

"It’s obvious, my boy, that you were the one wronged! As I said, I know my girls" He shook his head as he laughed again. "Frodo, I’m almost sorry that I had to make you squirm! But what sort of father would I be if I failed to address circumstances involving my daughters’ honour?"

So, this whole interview had been something of a sport for him. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or insulted. I decided upon relieved. Some other fathers would not have been so perceptive, so open minded, nor so forgiving.

He drained his glass and stood up. "I’m going to offer you some advice, lad. If I were you, in future I would do my utmost best to see to it that I was never, under any circumstances, alone with either Bennie or Mundee." With that, he departed and I was left alone to stare into my ale and muse on just how I was supposed to put such an insurmountable piece of advice to work.